I am
by ZmajGoddess
Summary: Duo attempts suicide but what happens when he's unconcious and comes face to face with Shinigami? attempted songfic to Godsmack's 'I am'... (one shot)


"I am....."

Disclaimer: I unfortunately don't own the G-boys, nor do I own the song "I am...", this belongs to Godsmack; if I did own either of theseI would be much happier, wallowing in money. But I don't so don't bother suing; I don't have anything, I'm a poor college student people! Unless of course you want a couple blood thirsty dust bunnies....I got plenty of those. Comments are always appreciated....craved actually. REVIEWS!!! I NEED REVIEWS. Uh...sorry....I'm ok now. So please, review; let me know what you liked, what you didn't, the good, the bad and the ugly basically. However flames will be laughed at, so I wouldn't even bother

....._example..._ means the person is singing as the spea_k_

**_.....example....._**denoted a thought

"I am..."

Prologue

The wind swirled around him; he could hear it howling as it raced along the alleyways. Lightning flashed across the sky, illuminating the empty church yard below. Rain pounded on the roof in a seemingly endless symphony, in a useless attempt on nature's part to soothe his aching soul. Duo starred out at the quiet city; all asleep in their beds, barely a soul moved.

Soul...how many souls had he taken during the war? How many children did he leave orphaned in his pursuit of revenge and peace?

A year had passed since the wars had ended; soldiers like him were no longer useful. He had tried to take on a normal life...but he just couldn't let go. At first it had been nightmares; then insomnia, and now he would see dead people around him; all bloodied and decaying. He couldn't take it any longer. He couldn't face the people he had murdered.....not in this life anyway. He had to repent....that was why he was here, to make up for all the lives he took, by giving his. Duo smirked, it had seemed appropriate to end everything where it all had begun...

Heero slammed the car into third and raced down the narrow streets of the L2 colony, Wufei sat in the front seat giving directions; Trowa and Quatre were in the back, holding on for dear life. They had gone up to Duo's room to ask him if he wanted to watch a movie with them; and had found his note. Now they raced against time in the hope of getting to him before he jumped.

"THERE!" Wufei yelled Heero skidded to a stop in front of the church; a lone figure stood on the roof, arms out stretched.

Four bodies scrambled out of the car...one let gravity embrace him....

Four voices cried out in horror....one whispered a single sentence

"Good bye...."

DUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

* * *

Trowa sat silently, holding a pain stricken Quatre; Heero stood silently, leaning against the wall, for all the world appearing to be as solid and immovable as the wall; but Trowa knew his heart ached as well, and knew that he was worried. Wufei, on the other hand, paced like a caged tiger from one side of the waiting room to the other; sometimes he would pause and stare at the door, clenching and unclenching his fists; a couple times Trowa could have sworn that there had been tears in the Chinese man's eyes. 

Finally the door opened and the doctor stepped out....

* * *

Where ever he was, it was dark...Duo couldn't see anything. Suddenly in the distance, flames flickered. Duo turned in a full circle, all around him the horizon glowed red, flickering like a hot coal. He could see jagged rocks here and there; the coals burst into flames; illuminating an ancient battle field in hellish glow. Flames flickered all around; Duo saw the remnants of mobile suits, buildings, vehicles....a fine trembling started in his hands and slowly spread to the rest of his body. It was a scene from one of Duo's worst nightmares... The fires died down back into their original ember glow... 

Suddenly Duo heard music, the sound of a guitar, an electric guitar....ordinarily the sound would have appealed to Duo, but now...now it seemed to be the introduction of something else...

To one side, the fires suddenly flared back to life behind a large rock , bits of glowing red ash floated on a wind that wasn't there...silhouetting the rock... Duo blinked; there was a figure sitting on the rock. The figure opened its eyes, two glowing blood red orbs starred at him...

"Who are you?" Duo whispered, paralyzed to the spot.

"You know who I am..." the voice replied, it's voice of smooth, sending shivers up Duo's spine, and drove fear into his heart.

"N-no...I-I don't..."

The figure leapt off the rock ledge and landed at its base, there was a slight pause in the music as it jumped, and it started again as it landed...

"Think..."

Duo shook his head, he had no words, his voice had abandoned him along with his mobility.

"_I am your spoken truth..._

_I am the lies in you..._

_I'm gonna make you shine in everything you do..."_ He sang, for indeed the voice was male, His voice was deep vibrating in Duo's bones.

_"I am your lighted way_

_I am your darkest day_

_I'm here to help you see....you can rely on me!"_

As the figure sang he stalked closer to Duo, with each step a fire sprung up illuminating the battle field one small piece at a time. Duo stared at the approaching figure; he moved like a cat, placing one foot directly in front of the other, his long hair swished at his back.

"_Just consider me your friend_

_I am until the end..._

_Can I guarantee you life?..."_

The figure loomed in front of Duo, visible for the first time... Duo's eyes grew wide, and he began trembling in earnest. It couldn't be...this couldn't be happening...

The figure grabbed Duo's trembling form by the front of his shirt and pulled them face to face...

_"I don't think I can!"_

Duo starred into violet eyes that mirrored his own but for one exception, these blazed with an unholy fury; the man's long chestnut hair flowed down his back unkempt and untamed. Shinigami snarled; his face mere inches away from Duo. "Did you think you could get rid of us, so easily?!" Duo shook his head, trying to cast the image out. No, he had banished this being after the war! Shinigami had died....cast away in preparation for peace!

"But you didn't find peace...did you?" Shinigami hissed, "You didn't have the will to survive on your own, Maxwell, you never have been able to, what made you think you could this time?! Look at me when I'm talking to you MAXWELL!!" Shinigami roared, Duo couldn't help it, he starred straight into those blazing violet eyes...all of his past, all the memories he had buried deep in is mind came flooding to the surface...his parents, Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, living on the streets....

"NO!!!!!" Duo cried, pushing away, then "_This isn't the life for me.....This isn't the way I want to be..."_

Shinigami dropped him and glared down at him, "_Then let me tell you....Death will come when I'm good and ready!"_

The horrid memories swirled in Duo's mind, over and over, he saw the dying faces of his loved ones, and always a heavy weight in his gut was the knowledge that HE was somehow responsible....

Then, just as suddenly as they had come, the images retreated;

"_I am your peace of mind..._

_Confusing all you time_

_I'm running through your veins,_

_I am your pain..."_

Duo shook his head; "I banished you...sent you away..."

"_I thought by now you'd know..._

_I'll never let you go..._

_It's time you recognized..._

_I AM THE DEVIL'S EYES!!!"_

Shinigami roared the last verse, throwing back his head, arms spread wide; in the space above and beyond him, images appeared of Duo living on the streets. In the pain of those days he had retreated, creating another persona to deal with the pain and horror that had become his life, a persona that he retreated behind many times during his training.

"_Just consider me your friend..._

_I am until the end...."_

The scene switched to Duo fighting in Deathscythe...or rather, Shinigami fighting in Deathscythe...Duo knew that battle; it was one of his first; yet, he watched it not from a first person view point, but a third; as if he was watching himself slice through those mobile dolls from another time and place, not a memory.

"_Can I guarantee you life?_

_I don't think I can..."_

This time, Shinigami sounded sarcastic, as if daring Duo to complain about putting him in that danger. Duo continued to stare at the images fighting in the air above his counter part. Duo shook his head and repeated,

"_This isn't the life for me..._

_This isn't the way I want to be..."_

Again Shinigami shoved his face into Duo's forcing eye contact, then in a low whispered hiss;

"_Then let me tell you..._

_Death will come when I'm good and ready..."_

Duo felt tears prick his eyes, he had created Shinigami...he had created him! So that meant that Duo had the right to kill him...right?

"Wrong..."

"After all we've been through? After all the times I've saved you ass! We fought hundreds of battles, and lived....we won a fucking war; coming out relatively unharmed....and you think to end it all by jumping off a church?! "

"What was I suppose to do?!" Duo yelled; pain and anger making him flame back at his other half, "There was nothing for someone like me! I had been on the street all my life...in the presence of Death all my life; and suddenly it was gone...no more war...no need for a solider....no more church....no one to love me....I tried living with Hilde...but I couldn't....I couldn't stand working at the Preventor's, there was nothing but endless paperwork! What was I suppose to do?!?"

"You didn't even ask me!" Shinigami snarled; "Who helped you deal with Solo's death? Who kept you alive when The Church was destroyed?! Who kept you alive and sane during the war?! I DID!! ME! I kept us alive, I made sure we survived! There are ways we can live in this time!"

Duo looked away...did he want to survive now? Didn't he want to die...? All those lives he took.....he needed to repent....death was the only way....a life for a life...

"NO!..There are other ways...." Shinigami said softly; "_Take me by the hand..._

_And let me show you what I am..."_ _**I'm taking control again!**_

"_And exactly how are you gonna do that_?!" Duo snapped.

"_Now I know I can..._

_Take you back to where it all began...._

_"Cause I am_."

Duo took the out stretched hand Shinigami offered; He turned and waved his free hand in the space behind him; a tunnel opened up. Suddenly everything was speeding by; Duo saw everything going backwards; the peace ceremonies, the last battle, Deathscythe's destruction, Heero's suicide attempt, their decent to Earth, his training..... looking around Duo shook his head sadly; _"This isn't the life for me...this isn't the way I want to be..."_ he whispered.

Suddenly, the space cleared, and they were in front of the Maxwell Church before it was destroyed. Children ran around out back, playing and laughing; Sister Helen and Father Maxwell sat on a swing handing from the back porch sipping lemonade, and laughing at the children's antics.

Duo looked at Shinigami...but he was watching the scene before them. "That Duo...is how you repent...you feel guilty about the orphans..." Shinigami trailed off, allowing his counter part to come to his own conclusion.

Suddenly Duo understood...it was appropriate for his life to end where it had begun...it was time to repay Father Maxwell and Sister Helen for their kindness, and to repent for all the deaths he had caused during the war...

"_And let me tell you...."_ Shinigami sang softly.

"_Death will come when I'm good and ready_!" The two finished, singing in unison.

* * *

When Duo woke sometime later, he knew instantly that he was someplace unfamiliar. He didn't open his eyes; years of training taking over. Duo took a deep breath; he could smell the cleanliness of the place, the scent of medicine, and sterile solution. A hospital? Duo carefully shifted his body...His hands and feet were restrained. Duo listened carefully, concentrating on quieting his breathing and heart beat....their were no other sounds except muffled ones probably caused from outside. Duo opened his eyes, everything was white. Duo suppressed a snicker. He was in a mental hospital! It was dark outside the small window in his room, and there was little light in the room. Duo turned his head; his braid lay next to his hand, his original scrungee still in place. Duo blinked...his hair had been re-braided, he could tell that; but they had left his black scrungee. Odd...he would have thought that they would've taken it off and replaced it with a normal hair tie. It had been given to him during the war by a young girl in a town he had stayed in; he had helped her find her dog and she had given him the scrungee to hold his hair; since on that day, his hair tie had broken. He had worn the scrungee ever since, even though it was more a female item then male. Duo vaguely remembered telling Wufei that story a while ago when he had made a snide comment about it and his hair...maybe that was why they had left it. Duo reached out his pinky finger and pulled the end of the braid into his hand, working his way up the four inches to the scrungee. He felt around the edges of the fabric; when he had gotten home that night after receiving the gift, he had placed a lock pick into the folds of the fabric; in case such an instance as what he was in occurred. This had been during the war, in the months afterward, Duo had simply forgotten that it was in there and had held on to the scrungee for its sentimental value... Good thing he didn't remove it. Duo pried the lock pick from the inside of the fabric, sliding it through a tiny hole that Duo had made when he had put the pick in there. 

Duo grinned wickedly as he worked the thin piece of metal free. _**Step one complete...on to step two**_Twisting his wrist to an almost painful angle, Duo began the slow and tedious work of picking the first lock. His entire mind was alert; his ears strained trying to catch even the slightest sound of someone approaching. Duo didn't know how long he worked on the lock, but finally with a CLICK the lock came undone. Duo pulled his wrist from the restraint and rotated it, flexing the cramping muscles. Then he began working on the other restraints. The rest were easy compared to the first, since now he had full mobility of his hands. The strap across his chest slowed him a bit, but it did not hinder him for long. Soon Duo was free; silently he climbed off the bed and padded across the floor. Duo glanced around the door; there were no locks, no hinges..... He peeked out the small glass window set in the door. Duo could see the light of a guard moving toward him down the hallway. A smile curved his lips; he glanced up at the flickering light fixture, a plan forming in his mind. Quickly Duo grabbed one of the belts that had strapped him to the bed; then standing on top of the bed, he twirled the belt a couple times and slammed it into the fixture above him. There was a loud CRASH as the mesh wire around the light came crashing down onto the floor; again Duo whirled the belt and slammed it into the fixture; this time there was the sound of breaking glass and the room was plunged into darkness. Quickly Duo leapt off the bed and moved to stand next to the door; out of the guard's line of sight. Hopefully the fool heard all the noise Duo had just made....

* * *

As if on cue a beam of light came through the window, the guard was trying to see what had happened. Duo heard the jingle of keys....his smile broadened into a wicked grin. Freedom... 

Heero arrived at the Lakeview Metal Hospital around nine o'clock; thirty minutes after Wufei had called telling Heero to "get his ass down here". Heero knew the second he pulled in that something was very wrong. The local police were everywhere searching the grounds their German Shepard's trying to catch any scent what so ever. Heero knew instantly that someone had escaped; and Heero knew instantly who it was....

Wufei met Heero at the door and lead him inside. "I'm going to assume that you've already guessed the problem?"

"Duo's escaped." Heero stated; Wufei nodded.

"Anyone hurt?" He asked.

"A couple guards knocked unconscious, two were found in a closet and one had been dragged into Duo's room. There was one Doctor that had been sedated; she was found tired and gagged and pushed into the bathroom with the door locked. Except for a few minor bumps and bruised, there were no serious injuries."

"In other words, Duo was being polite to them..." Heero replied, Wufei grinned remembered what Duo use to do to the Oz solider and guards that had gotten in his way during a mission or an escape.

"Yeah, you could say that Duo behaved himself."

"Any idea where he went?" Heero asked; Wufei shook his head;

"We're checking the grounds."

"Agent Chang!" A young officer called running toward them, "We've found something we think you should see."

That something was a video recording; the young officer, Charles, had found it when he was reviewing the security tapes. They watched as Duo slipped into the main office; deliver a chop to the guard's neck, rendering the man unconscious. The watched as Duo carefully bound the man's wrists and taped his mouth before dragging him out of the camera sight. Duo returned and pressed several buttons on the computer terminal. Then he looked up; directly at the camera. He began speaking...

"Turn up the volume." Wufei ordered intent on Duo's face. He looked excided, happy, he was in his element.

"Hey guys;" Duo's cheerful voice came out over the speaker, "Sorry to leave so soon; but you know me, I never liked bein' caged. I'm gonna leave now; so don't try and find me. You won't be able to. And don't worry, I'm fine. But I'm serious about not following' me; I plan on starting' over; sort fulfilling' a promise I made a long time ago that...that I just remembered. So later...." Duo turned away from the camera, then he paused and turned back, "By the way, the people here might want to boost their security 'round here, this was far too easy!" Then he was gone.

"What do you think he meant when he said that he had a promise to fulfill?" Heero asked a couple minutes later when Wufei and him were back outside.

"Who knows...this is Duo; he had more secrets then any of us." Wufei replied, his gazed scanning the forest out of habit.

"I hope he knows what he's doing'..." Heero muttered, then "Une's gonna have our ass because he escaped." Wufei chuckled;

"She knew it would happen eventually....lets just hope he stays out of trouble."

* * *

Dressed in his customary black garb, Duo boarded a shuttle to the L2 colony under the name Max Solo. Duo fingered the strap of his new bag which held all the essentials. It along with the clothes he wore all had had a five-finger discount on them. After he had acquired his clothes, Duo had gone and withdrawn quite a large chunk of the money that he had in the bank; a couple hundred thousand dollars, enough to get him started on his project. It hadn't even really dented the amount in the bank; after all it had been a hobby for him and the other pilots during the war to sneak a bit of Oz's money....ok...a shit load of Oz's money into their own accounts. Smiling at the memories Duo starred out the shuttles window, enjoying his new freedom. Twin violet eyes, blazing with fire starred back at him, sharing his smile. 

End

Nyx: Ok...ok...I know...bizarre....it had started as a song fic...but I kinda got carried away. Well, tell me what you think! I'm not really sure if I like it or not...it didn't come out quite the way I wanted it to... This is totally the product of lack of sleep and sugar...and way too much stress...besides -turns and points to the calico cat sitting next to me- It's Scarlet's fault!!!!

Scarlet: why thank you ever so much; here I am being a good muse and giving you inspiration and you start blaming shit on me...you ungrateful #$%$#

Nyx: heh...heh...um...anyway starts edging away from the angry cat muse I'm gonna go now and...um...attempt to work some more on Eternal Darkness. Later!


End file.
